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But it is wrong to anticipate the gift in such a way that it breeds impatience or disobedience.

Three times in the Song of Songs unmarried individuals are told not “to arouse or awaken love until it so desires” (2:7, 3:5, 8:4).

Our conclusion in this matter is pretty countercultural, and so my temptation here is to provide a prolonged defense and justification.

But since that would require an entire chapter’s worth, let me briefly state the argument and then hope people will go to the book for the details.

Clearly some physical activities (like shaking hands, a kiss on the cheek) are not inherently sexual. A great way to judge the sexual nature of a physical activity is to consider the activity against the backdrop of the nuclear family.

And other physical activities (oral sex, fondling) are clearly sexual. We call it the “family test”: if I wouldn’t engage in x activity with a biological relative because it would be sexually inappropriate to do so, then that activity is, by definition, a sexual activity. There’s more to sexual purity than this, but framing things in this way provides a good deal of clarity regarding appropriate sexual boundaries.

139), what tensions will Christians experience who asking: How far is too far before marriage?

In many respects, the entire book is a theological and exegetical attempt to answer this question.

Ultimately, the “commitment” of a dating relationship is the commitment to be committed until one or the other doesn’t feel like being committed. The time to bring on the romance is when you’re ready to bring on the ring! However, you also argue that the standard of sexual purity for the neighbor relationship, even after engagement, remains the same. Certainly once a man and woman have agreed upon marriage, it is appropriate that they have a happy sense of longing and desire to experience the relational joy of sexual intimacy with one another.

Our typical line goes something like this: “The Bible doesn’t really speak about sexual boundaries in dating relationships, so you’ll have to prayerfully develop your own standard.” But this has been a disaster in our Christian sub-culture.

Telling teens and singles to develop their own sexual ethic is not pastorally responsible.

We mark these as distinct relationships based on the observation that each relationship carries with it an explicit sexual ethic.

As you’ve noted, in our book we argue that Scripture recognizes three distinct types of male-female relationships—the “family” relationship, the “marriage” relationship, and the “neighbor” relationship (by “neighbor” we mean anyone who is neither a blood relative or a spouse).




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