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As Gwyneth Paltrow’s character jokes in the 2014 film In reality, sex addiction is much more complicated—and it doesn’t only affect men.

Just as an alcoholic continues overdrinking even when it does her harm, a sex and love addict seeks out emotional and physical fulfillment from others, even when it hurts her.

“One of the most important things in the treatment process is learning that you have rights, you have limits, you get to say no,” says Hudson.

Sex and relationship addicts can be so accustomed to accepting “crumbs,” as de Guzman put it, that they may not know how to leave a relationship that doesn’t feel good.

Men with sex addiction are more inclined to “just want to have sex and then move on” as opposed to becoming entwined in the emotional aspects of the relationship, Hudson explains, but sex addicts of both genders need continuous hits of attention and affection—women just go about it more privately.

Despite the name, sex and love addiction is the opposite of sexy—it is a deeply anguished and often isolating affliction.

But while movies and music nearly always have a happy ending, Riley’s reality was much different: “I was spending much too much time balled up on the floor in the fetal position, clutching my belly, just wanting to die because some guy hadn’t called me back.”At age 42, after getting clean from a cocaine addiction, Riley eventually realized the anguish she felt over parting ways with a man was lasting “longer than the so-called relationship,” she says.

When she got to the place where she felt suicidal over the guy who wouldn’t text back, “I wanted crumbs from guys at that point.”It’s a story that sounds familiar to Lee Riley*, a 60-something woman (she declined to share her exact age, preferring to identify as “old enough to know better”) living in Los Angeles who is also a sex addict.

She described her addiction as “having sex with people I would not have lunch with” and “sitting and obsessing and fantasizing and making up scenarios in these big complex romantic fantasies.”Riley thinks her sex addiction flew under the radar in part because society sort of expects—if not outright encourages—obsessive relationship behavior in women.

After all, it appears frequently in rom-coms and pop songs, she says.

Addiction is a brain disease, and the illness is in control.

“The experience of the addict is way more about the letdown than the high,” says Riley.

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